In my role as a sexual consultant I have heard every variation of "How do I get my partner to use sex toys with me." There are thousands of articles out there, but they're lacking in depth.
Of course the answer is to communicate, but how? And how can you do it in a way that makes them enthusiastic, rather than apprehensive and turned off, or worse, activating insecurities and causing tension and a breakdown of arousal and attraction? There are emotional variants involved as well as different dynamics. So, I decided to break down the question into several common dynamics and hey, if you don't fit into one and need advice then write in the comments below. Each week I will write another part to this subject.
- Man, wanting to use a dildo on his partner when they are not already using toys and actively communicating about them.
[/*]- Woman, with a desire for a certain experience with a toy... wanting her partner to use it on her.
[/*]- Using dildos to enhance a relationship that includes some erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.
[/*]- Using toys in a way that develops, rather than hurts your pleasure capacity and sexual sensitivity to explore your relationship and add to the toolbox.
[/*]
Lets start with "I'm a man, I think it would be so hot to use a dildo on my partner, how do I introduce it to her?"
First of all, sexual communication needs to be a priority in every relationship. If you're uncommunicative to the point where you need advice on this, it's time to open up the lines and start to talk to each other. I'm writing this article for the kind of woman who is uncertain, not the kind who is gung ho and knows what she wants, how she wants it, and is ready to tell you how to do it down to the last detail.
The question you have to ask yourself is, what is it about using it on her that you find compelling? I'm going to assume that 1. you want her to feel pleasure, and find it arousing and satisfying to imagine this new physical experience that will bring her great pleasure and 2. you will find it visually stimulating to watch it happen.
I suggest that you talk to her at an appropriate time, snuggling on the couch, out for drinks, not mid coitus or when she is trying to put screaming kids to bed, and ask her if she's ever considered bringing toys into your lovemaking. Then, express that it is a big turn on for you to imagine using one on her. Don't react if she says no, or responds negatively. You're communicating now to learn about each other and you want to know who she is and what her desires are too.
From there, ask what kinds of toys she has used in the past, how they felt, and in which way she used them. If she is negative, find out what her experiences are. Find out why, and what happened! Be compassionate and understanding and do not view this from the sole angle of getting her to do something you want. Respect that she doesn't want it for a reason and find out what the reason is. I hated cunnilingus until my current partner, and believe me it was not because I had not experienced a lot of it. Oral sex was on my "just don't do it" list and I was adamant about it because I won't do sex that doesn't feel good. However, my partner went this route and after some time I actually asked HIM if he would do it to me. He took it gentle steps at a time, never overwhelming or hurting me and now... well now I can't get enough of it, in every form, with or without toys. Remember, if she is apprehensive open her up, do not push things on her.
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