~*^FACES BEHIND THE BEARDS^*~

The faces behind the BEARDS
SALAAM! This guide entitled 'Faces Behind the Beards', intends to put an end to all those excuses both males and females have about men growing beards in the Islamic manner, prescribed in the Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW). Enjoy........!
1. PAKISTANUS ZINDABADUS This is an interesting species of animal. Recognisable by the huge moustaches growing from their upper lip (remember Abdullah bulbul La Mer from the German beer adverts). They are reminiscent of Magianus Rukuus, Fire Worshippers of the pre-Islamic age. They go directly against the Sunnah left by the outstanding example of Prophet Muhammad (SAW). Zindabadus usually makes the excuse, like other species, that the Qur'an and Sunnah are hard to understand; but then, so is everything after 3 bottles of Johnny Walker's Scotch Whisky. (See the Pakistani Cricket Team.)
2. FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOWUS An animal who grows a very short beard out of default, i.e. can't be bothered at that point in time to buy a disposable razor blade, rather than any Islamic intention.
3. BHANGRA-MUFFINUS This species is easily recognisable, complete with baseball cap and hair styles containing more lines and tracks than Waterloo Station. Headphones are of course surgically attached to their inner ears. The Bhangra-Muffinus are a sinister life form. If they were a car, they'd be a DATSUN, with a sound system that costs more than the car. Their beards are styled to encircle only their lips; everywhere else is brutally hacked with a 'Bic' razor.
4. TRAMPUS The beard on this particular life form has taken the face of its occupant hostage. Also known as BANI ISRAELUS, it takes half an hour for this animal to find his face when he is eating. He looks like he is still sleeping off the beer that our friend, Abdullah bulbul La Mer, used to advertise.
5. PRETTY BOYACUS This animal should hook up with Five o' clock Shadowus and set up an abattoir. Likes a REALLY CLOSE shave. (Incidentally, have you ever put after shave on your face after shaving? Someone out there is trying to tell you something). A Sado Masochistic likes to look smooth like all those images of Caucasian pretty boys on TV (Note the Gillette adverts). Gillette must get half their yearly income from these kind of people. Somewhat like ZINDABADUS, he always has a Lah de dah, Pass My Bag, Fruit Salad excuse for shaving. Suffers severely from Peer Pressurus, a vicious disease. Hell-fire doesn't worry this creature too much. Looking like a woman doesn't bother him either......
6. AQEEDAH IMANUS. Tries to the best of his ability to grow a beard that doesn't hijack his face, but at the same time flows in such a way that it is obvious to anyone with half a brain, that has got more on his mind than getting his leg over. Those terrible side burns he sprouts at teenage are there with a God-fearing intention. This is a man whose guidance comes from Allah(SWT), this guy thinks ahead. IMANUS is definitely the kind of person you should talk to; Wilkinson Sword's worst nightmare.
By Isa Jamal