Because I work a lot with Abuse and Trauma Survivors, many couples who come to see me have that in one or both of their backgrounds. Childhood abuse can
create long-term trauma and attachment issues, even personality disorders.
And people are oftentimes attracted to others whose ability to attach and interactional style are complementary.
For example, it is quite common for adults from alcoholic families to become attracted to other adult children of alcoholics, even if neither of them is an
alcoholic. They are attracted not just because they have similar
backgrounds www.cheapmlbjerseysshop.us.com , but also because their communication style and ability to be intimate is
probably similar. They both are used to living with people who had secrets and
who were likely to be passive aggressive in their communication styles. They may
be used to care taking, and to boundaries that were breached, especially when a
parent was abusing substances. They may also have been traumatized by physical
andor sexual abuse. When two people are drawn to each other, they dont have to
know all the details of their respective backgrounds to feel a kinship. By the
time they come into therapy they know each others vulnerabilities and how to
push each others buttons, but they may not be equally prepared to change the
interactional pattern they have established between them.
A while back, I worked with a couple* who had both experienced abuse in their childhoods. They had been together for 9 years, married 4 of them. He was the
one who called and wanted couples therapy, claiming that their relationship was
unhealthy. He said he was angry a lot because she was cold and he didn\t feel
taken care of or loved by her. He thought that her abusive background had
damaged her sexuality and her ability to love. And that made him scared to bring
children into the mix – something she was pushing for.
When I met with them the first time, she seemed emotionless and impervious to his complaints, but willing to go along with his wishes to be in therapy. But as
the weeks went by Cheap MLB Jerseys Free Shipping , it became evident that she was the one doing all the work to change, while he used a debaters skill and keen intellect to keep her on
the defensive. She wasnt nurturing and attentive enough. She wasnt social
enough. She wasnt professionally ambitious, but she also worked too much. What I
recognized was that she was actually a pleaser, but also passive aggressive.
That combination of traits is not uncommon. The pleaser is usually stuffing
their own feelings, so their resentment builds and manifests in other ways.
While he could be insightful, he didn\t seem to notice all the attempts she
made. More importantly, he didnt seem to believe that he needed to change as
well. When I tried to bring that up, he seemed wounded and implied that we were
ganging up on him.
I asked each of them to come in for an individual session. I sometimes do this with couples when I feel that one or both are withholding in the room. He
encouraged her to come in first. Now, alone with me, she proceeded to point out
everything that I had been noticing. Additionally Cheap MLB Jerseys Online , she was aware that she was jumping through hoops, but it didnt seem to matter. She talked about his insecurities and dark moods and how
he took everything out on her. Clearly frustrated, she said, Im still very
physically attracted to him, and we do have an active sex life, but how can I be
warm and tender when I am constantly being put down?
I asked if she could imagine standing up for herself in the relationship. Could she help him understand that she wasnt responsible for making him feel
better about himself? The look of recognition on her face seemed to confirm that
she could. When the session was over, she grabbed my hand and thanked me.
I later mused about how common it was for one partner to come in seeking change, identifying the other as the problem, only to discover how much more
complicated the situation was and how both parties were responsible for the
friction between them.
A few days later I received an anxious call from her. She said an opportunity had presented itself, and in the gentlest manner possible Cheap MLB Jerseys US , she pointed out how he sometimes took his frustrations out on her rather than on the people or situations they should be
directed at. He went ballistic and walked out. You know, he doesnt want to hear
that anything is wrong with him. I suggested that she give him some time to
think about what she said. He wasnt used to being confronted, it may have been
difficult to take in.
There was a long silence and then she stated emphatically, \No I am going to apologize and try harder. He needs to feel more loved by me. But isn\t that what
you have been doing all along? How is it going to be any different this time?
Her reply, Well, weve managed to remain together this long, so I guess I know
how to make it work.
Clients make their own choices – rightly so. And only they know what they are ready to do. These clients were both intelligent and insightful. But change is
hard. And sometimes things do get worse before they get better. So it may seem
easier to fall back into what is familiar, whether or not it is truly
satisfying.
Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
* Certain identifying information has been changed to protect confidentiality. ?
