Philosophical Questions

This is a collection of deep, philosophical questions that are even more important than the question of what life really is.

# Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
# How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
# If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
# If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
# Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
# If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
# So what's the speed of dark?
# After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
# Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
# If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
# Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
# Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
# Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
# How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
# If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
# If Fedex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
# If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
# Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
# What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
# Why do they put up pictures of criminals in the post office? What are we supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
# Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
# Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
# Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
# Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
# How is it possible to have a "civil" war?
# If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
# If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
# Why is it called "tourist season" if we can't shoot at them?
# If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
# Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
# If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
# If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
# If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
# Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
# Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
# Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
# Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
# Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
# Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
# Is there another word for synonym?
# Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
# Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
# What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
# Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
# Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
# If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
# Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
# Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
# If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
# Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
# What was the best thing before sliced bread?
# Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
# Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
# How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
# If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
# If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
# Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
# How come abbreviated is such a long word?
# Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
# Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
# Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
# If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
# What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
# Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
# Do fish get cramps after eating?
# Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
# Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
# Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
# If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
# Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
# If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
# Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
# Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
# Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
# Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
# Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
# Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
# What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
# Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
# Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
# Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
# Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
# Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
# Why is a boxing ring square?
# Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
# Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
# Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
# Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
# Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
# Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
# Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
# Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
# Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
# Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
# Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
# If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song a