Who have I become? What have I given up today? How much has changed?
These questions, famous for being rhetorical, yet they long to be answered.
My tears even now are forced, when yours are never switched off.
Hurt and me go hand in hand;
If I can't damage me, I'll damage you.
Rip you up and not regret, not regret you,
Only me, it's always me. And I am no one.
Oblivion, I welcome you, rape me again.
Every time I think of the boys you're there.
Make me the next murderer's victim.
Please be painful and last for hours.
Where did my heart go?
I long to pinpoint the time I turned so cold.
Every time I think I'm loved, it's always my own doing.
And now no one will want to know me.
I lie. Never in my bed, always in other people's.
Make me sodomised, and I hope he lies, and says he loves me.
Make me fall in love and have my heart ripped out my arse.
Soft kisses and stales tears are cracking the skin on my face.
Out of this world, all that I feel.
Any thing that ever made me care, ever made me realise how special life is;
Has left out an unseen back door, and gone.
I know it won't return without persuasion but every word I say is dead.
Friends no longer know me. I don't really know friends.
One is there, still he cares, still we have those tell-tale signs of eternal mateship.
But the rest are hazy, and it's only around me.
I don't think we have that essential ingredient, comfortability.
It used to be so easy, love and be loved.
What's so impossible? Consumed with paranoia, with having no comfort zone.
Who do I miss the most? All of them that's who.
But even that is a lie, the one I miss the most, whose friendship will never mend is holding the pen right now.
So cold. This winter has been icy as a snow flake.
And where am I going? And what are my roots? And when will I die?
And where are my family? And why death? And how?
And religion, where are you? And why is futility the only thing that makes sense?
And why do we not care any more? And why is there gossip and lies about the ones we love?
And who else feels like this? And who else has so many questions? And why?
And am I dead now? And if so, why do I feel I still have so much more death to go?
And will I get over this? And is anyone listening? And do they care?
Posted on 11/13/2007 6:14:37 AM
