The Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of
when dead.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you
actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls
into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway
"See I am not injured yet."

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and
a fool on the other.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds
of either

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by
feminine water power

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got
caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his
bills.

Sweater : garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.