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( ’_’ ):::My Collection of Jokes:::(’_ ’)

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.

Posted on 3/19/2006 3:33:24 PM

Equation
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems.
So beware of glance!

Posted on 3/19/2006 3:34:14 PM

Girl Friends
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL!

Posted on 3/19/2006 3:35:02 PM

Marriage
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.She went downstairs looking for him. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw tears rolling from his eyes as he sipped his coffee.

"What's the matter with you, my dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us while dating?"

"Yes, I do remember," she replied.

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said, getting a little teary- eyed herself at his fond recollection.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... I would have been released today."

Posted on 3/19/2006 3:36:07 PM

John Abraham was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
John looked up again and said,
"Never mind. I found one."

Posted on 3/19/2006 3:37:05 PM

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Manu: Brotherly love.

Posted on 3/19/2006 3:38:00 PM

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Manu: A teacher

Posted on 3/19/2006 3:40:23 PM

Vajpayee, Musharraf, Madhuri Dixit and Margaret Thatcher are traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Thatcher and Vajpayee are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Thatcher is thinking: "These Pakistanis are all crazy after Madhuri. Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him"

Madhuri is thinking: "Musharraf must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped."

Musharraf is thinking: "Damn! it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Madhuri, she thought it was me and slapped! me."

Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again."

Posted on 3/19/2006 3:41:25 PM

Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing. The report said, "DELIVERED".

Posted on 3/19/2006 3:43:03 PM

A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'

Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.

'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'

Posted on 3/19/2006 3:55:35 PM

A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The Sardarji, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the Sardarji's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Sardarji doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "your turn".

He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500.

The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse,hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep.

Posted on 3/19/2006 3:56:34 PM

Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God.

A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?" The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

Posted on 3/19/2006 3:59:08 PM

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.

Sardarji says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride.

On the Next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

Posted on 3/19/2006 4:00:24 PM

sardaji: My loving God ,thank u so much ..You are so..so..so..great.

(Lallu who is sardarji friend going through that way .he saw this and asked)

lallu : why r u giving thanks to God? .
sardarji : You know, God is so kind ....
lallu : how?

sardarji : Becuase i dont know english thats why he wouldn't allow me born in America, if i born over there i would have been in big trouble due to thier language.

Posted on 3/19/2006 4:01:44 PM

One day, Banta went to the clinic, and he finds his friend Santa crying.

Banta: Santa, Why are you crying?

Santa: The doctors are going to take my blood test by cutting my finger.
After hearing this Banta also starts crying.

Santa: Banta, why are you crying?

Banta: I'm here for urine test!

Posted on 3/19/2006 4:02:46 PM

Twins Were born to a sardarjee he did`nt sleep th whole night.

Why?

Because he was wondering who is the Father of his second child.

Posted on 3/19/2006 4:04:01 PM

One very young & handsome sardar was tavelling by train with two-three small kids in his tow.
Opposite to him was a pretty girl sitting who was feeling a bit uneasy on seeing the young sardar with a couple of kids and no wife.
After some time she could not resist & asked the sardar fellow as to when did he get married & where ios his wife. Sardar was taken aback & said, What, me married ? Oh No. I'm only 21 & just finished my college.

Then who are these kids, the girl enquired.
Oh These, actually I'm a Condom sales man & these are customer complaints.

Posted on 3/19/2006 4:04:47 PM

A Sardarji went to US and had a meeting with Bill Clinton.

Bill: I want to show you the US advancement. Come with me. He takes him to a forest.
Bill: Dig the ground. Sardarji did it.
Bill: more...more...more... Sardarji went up to 100 feet.
Bill: So now, try to search something.

Sardarji: I got a wire.

Bill : you know, it shows that even 100 years ago we used to have telephones.

Sardarji became frustrated. He invited Bill to India. Next year Bill was in India
Sardarji : I want to show you our advancement. The same...he takes Bill to a forest.
Sardarji : Dig it. Bill does.
Sardarji : more...more...more... Bill goes up to almost 400 feet..
Sardarji : try to find something. Bill tries.
Sardarji : Did you get anything? Bill : No, there is nothing here.
Sardarji : you know, it shows that even 400 years ago we used to have WIRELESS!!

Posted on 3/19/2006 4:07:05 PM

A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help.
He goes into the temple and begins to pray.

"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

The Sardarji goes back to the temple.
"Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!! Back to the temple

"My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarji is confronted by the voice of Lord: "SARDARJI, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST".

Posted on 3/19/2006 4:10:11 PM


Sardarji was standing below a tube light with a open mouth

WHY?

Because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should be light"

Posted on 3/19/2006 4:37:27 PM

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with hiseyes closed.

His wife asked what you are doing ?
He said- I am seeing how I look while sleeping.

Posted on 3/19/2006 5:02:23 PM

Sardar was writing something very slowly.

Friend asked:" Why are you writing so slowly?

Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 year old son, he can't read very fast.

Posted on 3/19/2006 5:02:56 PM

Sardar proposed a Girl......

Girl said 'I'm 1 Year elder to you'...........

Sardar said 'Oye No Problem Soniye,I'll marry you NEXT YEAR.

Posted on 3/19/2006 5:03:15 PM

Santa! Your daughter has died!

Depressed, Sardar jumps from 100th floor

At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!

At 25flr: I'm unmarried!

At 10flr: I'm Banta not Santa

Posted on 3/19/2006 5:03:32 PM

Sardar-why are all these people running?

Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.

Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running

Posted on 3/19/2006 5:03:48 PM

Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived.

This guy was a barber and he felt that for 20 Rupees
the Sardarji deserved more service. So when the Sardarji fell asleep the barber quietly shaved off his beard.

When the station arrived the Sardarji was woken up and he went home.

Reaching home he went to wash his face and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.
Said his wife Whats the matter?
Replied he The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else

Posted on 3/19/2006 5:05:33 PM

Sardar Ji: I havent slept all night in the train.

Friend: why?

Sardar Ji: Got upper berth.

Friend: Why didnt you exchange seats?

Sardar Ji: oye there was nobody to exchange with in
the lower berth..

Posted on 3/19/2006 5:06:23 PM

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game.
During the game, the guys notice that the girl knows just as much
about the game as they do, and they're really impressed.

After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much
about baseball?"

She replies, "Well, I used to be a guy and had a sex change
operation."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What
was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut
off your penis?" one of them asked.

"That was very painful, but it was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your testicles?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Well, what was the most painful part?" one of the other guys
inquired.

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in
half!"

Posted on 3/20/2006 2:22:29 PM

WHY COFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it
     taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper
     towel.
18. You can always get fresh coffee.
19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot
     when you get back.
20. They sell coffee at police stations.
21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22. Coffee goes down easier.
23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on
     weight.
24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of
     coffee.
25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
32. Coffee doesn't shed.
33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in
     it.
35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it
     better.
37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all
     the time.
38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in
     the back of your throat.
40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to
     have a cup.
42. INSTANT COFFEE!
43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

Posted on 3/20/2006 2:24:16 PM

      JADOO KA LAMP

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an
old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah
blah blah blah! This is the fourth time this month and I'm
getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about
three of them. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've
always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get
very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can
drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom
of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete ... how much steel!
No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My
wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So,
I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside
and what they're thinking when they give me the silent
treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want
when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

Posted on 3/20/2006 2:27:20 PM

Three men were digging a hole when they found a lamp. The first
man rubbed it and out popped a genie. He said, "Poof, I will
grant each of you one wish."

The first man said, "I wish to be smart and handsome."

The genie's reply, "Poof you're a lawyer."

The second man said, "I wish to be twice as smart and twice as
handsome.

"Poof, you're a doctor."

The third man said, "I wish to be three times as smart and three
times as handsome."

"Poof, you're a woman."

Posted on 3/20/2006 2:29:23 PM