A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."
tarar786
Age: 124
7946 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
"I Like the Way You Think"
A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story:
"There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"
Little Johny pauses, "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None," Johny says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says Johny, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes little Johny, "now let me ask you a question."
"There are three women sitting on a bench eating Popsicle's. One woman is licking the Popsicle, one woman is biting the Popsicle, and one is sucking the Popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the Popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"
"No," Johny says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think."
tarar786
Age: 124
7946 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
Three Wishes
A fellow, reflecting upon his ancestry one day, determined to go to Russia for a visit. Why not? Must be an interesting place. However when he tried to do some business in the black-market. He was quickly arrested by the police and imprisoned.
When he was brought before the judge, he was informed that doing business with the black market was a terrible crime to society, since the people suffer from the inability of the government to collect taxes and the punishment was well known, death.
Although he protested that he was a foreigner, the judge refused to reduce the sentence.
"The government is trying to stamp out the black market. We have no mercy on people who come here and disregard our laws. However, you are a foreigner, and we do want to encourage foreigners to come here as tourists and to do business, legally, of course. We want to show the world that the Russian legal system has mercy. Therefore we will allow you three wishes. Anything that you desire, just ask and you shall be granted them. The only conditionis that you can not request to commute your death sentence. After your three wishes have been granted, you will have to pay for your crime."
"Well, if that is what I have left to do with my life, my first request is to go skiing in the Carpathian mountains."
"What?" the judge remarked, "skiing? This is the summer ... there isn't any snow now."
"Well," the fellow answered, folding his arms across his chest, "I'm prepared to wait. Because that's my first wish." "Let it be so!" The judge banged his gavel on the desk and called the police. "When the snow falls on the Carpathian Mountains, you are to fetch this fellow and let him ski to his hearts content, from sunrise until sunset. Afterwards he is to be brought to me to complete his sentencing."
Six months later the police came to collect the man and took him up to the most beautiful ski resort high up on the Carpathian Mountains. The fellow skied all day and after night fall the police whisked him to the judge.
"The state has granted your first wish. What is your second?"
"Well, I always wanted to swim in the Black Sea. That is my second request."
" The Black Sea is frozen. It's winter now."
"Well," the fellow answered, "I'm prepared to wait." The judge said banging down his gavel, "The police will come to you on a beautiful summer's day and escort you to the ocean where you will swim to your hearts content from sunrise until sunset. Then you will be broughthere to complete the sentencing."
On a beautiful summer's day, the police took him to the nicest resort are on the Black Sea. The man swam the entire day and then after sun fall, was ushered in front of the judge.
"The state has kept it's word. Now you may have your last wish, after which you will be executed"
"Well," the man began, "nothing could please me more than to be buried in a cemetery along side of you."
"What?" the judge said, "but I'm not dead yet. How could we do that?"
tarar786
Age: 124
7946 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
I was watching some little kids play soccer. These kids were only five or six years old, but they were playing a real game - - a serious game _ two teams, complete with coaches, uniforms, and parents. I didn't know any of them, so I was able to enjoy the game without the distraction of being anxious about winning or losing - I wished the parents and coaches could have done the same.
The teams were pretty evenly matched. I will just call them Team One and Team Two. Nobody scored in the first period. The kids were hilarious. They were clumsy and terribly inefficient. They fell over their own feet, they stumbled over the ball, they kicked at the ball and missed it but they didn't seem to care. They were having fun.
In the second quarter, the Team One coach pulled out what must have been his first team and put in the scrubs, except for his best player who now guarded the goal.
The game took a dramatic turn. I guess winning is important even when you're five years old -- because the Team Two coach left his best players in, and the Team One scrubs were no match for them. Team Two swarmed around the little guy who was now the Team One goalie. He was an outstanding athlete, but he was no match for three or four who were also very good. Team Two began to score. The lone goalie gave it everything he had, recklessly throwing his body in front of incoming balls, trying valiantly to stop them.
Team Two scored two goals in quick succession. It infuriated the young boy. He became a raging maniac -- shouting, running, diving. With all the stamina he could muster, he covered the boy who now had the ball, but that boy kicked it to another boy twenty feet away, and by the time he repositioned himself, it was too late -- they scored a third goal.
I soon learned who the goalie's parents were. They were nice, decent-looking people. I could tell that his dad had just come from the office -- he still had his suit and tie on. They yelled encouragement to their son. I became totally absorbed, watching the boy on the field and his parents on the sidelines. After the third goal, the little kid changed. He could see it was no use; he couldn't stop them.
He didn't quit, but he became quietly desperate futility was written all over him. His father changed too. He had been urging his son to try harder - yelling advice and encouragement. But then he changed. He became anxious. He tried to say that it was okay - to hang in there. He grieved for the pain his son was feeling.
After the fourth goal, I knew what was going to happen. I've seen it before. The little boy needed help so badly, and there was no help to be had. He retrieved the ball from the net and handed to the referee - and then he cried. He just stood there while huge tears rolled down both cheeks. He went to his knees and put his fists to his eyes - and he cried the tears of the helpless and brokenhearted.
When the boy went to his knees, I saw the father start onto the field. His wife clutched his arm and said, "Jim, don't. You'll embarrass him." But he tore loose from her and ran onto the field. He wasn't supposed to - the game was still in progress. Suit, tie, dress shoes, and all - he charged onto the field, and he picked up his son so everybody would know that this was his boy, and he hugged him and held him and cried with him. I've never been so proud of a man in my life.
He carried him off the field, and when he got close to the sidelines I heard him say, "Scotty, I'm so proud of you. You were great out there. I want everybody to know that you are my son." "Daddy," the boy sobbed, "I couldn't stop them. I tried, Daddy, I tried and tried, and they scored on me." "Scotty, it doesn't matter how many times they scored on you. You're my son, and I'm proud of you. I want you to go back out there and finish the game. I know you want to quit, but you can't. And, son, you're going to get scored on again, but it doesn't matter. Go on, now." It made a difference - I could tell it did.
When you're all alone, and you're getting scored on - and you can't stop them - it means a lot to know that it doesn't matter to those who love you. The little guy ran back on to the field - and they scored two more times - but it was okay.
I get scored on every day. I try so hard. I recklessly throw my body in every direction. I fume and rage. I struggle with temptation and sin with every ounce of my being - and Satan laughs. And he scores again, and the tears come, and I go to my knees - sinful, convicted, helpless.
And my Father - my Father rushes right out on the field - right in front of the whole crowd - the whole jeering, laughing world - and he picks me up, and he hugs me and he says, "John, I'm so proud of you. You were great out there. I want everybody to know that you are my son, and because I control the outcome of this game, I declare you -- The Winner."
tarar786
Age: 124
7946 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
A little boy wanted $100, badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said:
Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
tarar786
Age: 124
7946 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
Crying about his life Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
tarar786
Age: 124
7946 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
Visiting kindergarten Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
