A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."
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Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge
tarar786
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Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge
tarar786
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Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either
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1 Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2.Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3.Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4.Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5.Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6.Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7.All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8.A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9.All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
10.Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11.Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12.Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13.Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14.Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15.If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16.If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17.No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18.When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19.When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20.Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21.Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22.If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23.Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
24.Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
25.Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
26.Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
27.Men forget everything; women remember everything.
28.That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. _________________ 'NEVER frown even if u r sad, u never know who is falling in love with your smile'..
Kisi paagal aashiq ki chahat ho tum kisi dharakte dil ki dhadkan ho tum. do pal naa dekhoo to chain naa aaye,khuda ki banayi kuch aisi qayamat ho tum.
tarar786
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
¡°Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?¡±
The man below says: ¡°Yes you¡¯re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.¡±
¡°You must work in Information Technology¡± says the balloonist. ¡°I do¡± replies the man. ¡°How did you know.¡±
¡°Well¡± says the balloonist, ¡°everything you have told me is technically correct, but it¡¯s of no use to anyone.¡±
The man below then says,¡±you must work in business.¡± ¡°I do¡± replies the balloonist, ¡°but how did you know?¡±
¡°Well,¡± says the man, ¡°you don¡¯t know where you are, or where you¡¯re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You¡¯re in the same position you were before we met, but now it¡¯s my fault.¡± _________________ 'NEVER frown even if u r sad, u never know who is falling in love with your smile'..
Kisi paagal aashiq ki chahat ho tum kisi dharakte dil ki dhadkan ho tum. do pal naa dekhoo to chain naa aaye,khuda ki banayi kuch aisi qayamat ho tum.
Knock, knock Who¡¯s there? Federal Express Federal Express who? I don¡¯t know. I just deliver packages.
Knock, knock Who¡¯s there? Tom. Tom who? Tom Buchanan. Hi Tom.
Knock knock Who¡¯s there? Pizza delivery guy. Pizza delivery guy who? You ordered a pizza? Yes. I¡¯m the guy delivering it. Great.
Knock knock Who¡¯s there? Susan. Susan who? Susan Caldwell. I¡¯ll be right out, Susan.
Knock, knock Who¡¯s there. You might be a redneck if¡ you think tobacco is a vegetable. You might be a redneck if¡ you think tobacco is a vegetable who? I thought this was a redneck joke. Nope. It¡¯s a knock, knock joke. Oops.
tarar786
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The definition for "Brave" as defined by man!!! coming home late, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on his collar, slapping his wife on the ass and saying "You're next
tarar786
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A Women's Guide To Male English
-- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
-- I'm hungry = I'm hungry
-- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
-- I'm tired = I'm tired
-- What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
-- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
-- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
-- I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! _________________ The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
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We need to talk = I need to complain
-- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
-- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
-- We need = I want
-- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
-- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
-- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
-- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
-- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
-- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
-- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
-- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
-- I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
-- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
-- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
-- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
-- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
-- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
-- Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
-- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
-- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
-- Yes = No
-- No = No
-- Maybe = No
-- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
-- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
-- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
-- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
-- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
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A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to bump into the preacher. The preacher turns around and almost drops from the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The shocked preacher dunks him into the water for a little longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and tells him, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." and picks up the dog to examine its eyes. He then checks its teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
tarar786
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10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"
10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. 09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices. 08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet. 07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home. 05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it. 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away. 03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees. 02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day. 01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck
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A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
tarar786
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An English fan is having a quiet drink in a Sydney bar. He leans over to the big guy next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear an Aussie joke?" The big guy replies, "Well mate, before you tell that joke you should know something: I'm six feet tall, weigh 105kg (~230lbs) and I'm a Wallaby forward. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 115kg and is an ex-Wallaby. Next to him is a bloke who's 6'5", weighs 120kg and is a current Wallaby second-rower. "Now, do you still want to tell that Aussie joke?" The English fan says, "Nah . . . not if I'm going to have to explain it three times
tarar786
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A priest moved to the town of Pentonvilli .
It was a Monday and wrote some letters to his friends and went out to find the post office since he had moved to this new place on Saturday and had not been around town yet. He noticed a young boy playing in the street and said 'Hey young boy. Whats your name" The boy politely replied "My names Robert" Priest: "Robert can you tell me the way to the post office " Robert: "Oh, you turn left at the junction and first turn right" Priest: "How come I did not see you at church on Sunday" Robert: " I don¡¯t go to the church" Priest: "You should come regurlary and I will teach you the way to God" To which Robert replied: "You don¡¯t know your way to the post office, how will you teach me the way to God"
tarar786
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A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson." _________________ The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
tarar786
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A family just arrived in Canada as immigrants from Palestine. The first day the 10 years old kid, went to a school in Montreal, he was asked by the teacher to introduce himself. He said: -"I just arrived from Palestine, and my name is Mohammed." The teacher told him that this name doesn't properly fit with the newschool. She suggested changing his name to "Johnny" and the kid liked the new name. When he went back home, his mother yelled: -"Mohammed, come & chat with me on your first day." The kid didn't answer... his mother went to see why didn't he answer. He said: -"My name is Johnny not Mohammed anymore," then his mother slapped him & left. The same story was repeated with his father. He didn't reply, thus he was slapped harder by his worried dad. The second day when he went to the school, the teacher asked him: -"What did you end up doing yesterday?" He said: "Can you believe it? My first day as an immigrant in Canada I was attacked by two Arab terrorists!!!"
tarar786
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A STUDENT IS UNABLE TO PRONUNCE A WORD CALLED VELOCITY AND HE PRONOUNCES IT AS VELOKITY.THE TEACHER SAID HIM MANY TIMES TO SPELL CORRECTLY, BUT HE CANT GET IT.. AT LAST THE TEACHER CALLED HIS FATHER AND REPORTED THE SAME TO HIM... FATHER:... MMMM ... LEAVE IT ON HIM MAM.. I THINK HIS CAPAKITY (CAPACITY) IS UP TO THAT ONLY... _________________ Jab meh marjow to meri kabar peh zaroor aana do phool chara dehna, agar rohna na aye toh muskara dehna.
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TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote (Men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
And the number one reason God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that." _________________ The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
tarar786
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Drivers Permit
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it"
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!" _________________
tarar786
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty
she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.
"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
tarar786
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Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response...
The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response...
The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"
At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump...
The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?" The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy who's dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear!
tarar786
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Drink Driving One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy." _________________
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Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily-accented voice said. "This is Yitzhak down in Tel Aviv, Israel. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Yitzhak," Saddam replied, "This is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Yitzhak after a moment's calculation, "there is me, my cousin Saul, my next-door neighbor Shlomo, and the entire pinochle team from the deli-that makes eight!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Oy vey!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Yitzhak rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Yitzhak?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Goldberg's tractor from the kibbutz."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."
¡°Really?!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Yitzhak rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Moshe's ultra with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Yitzhak that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MIG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million."
"Oyo gevalt!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Yitzhak called again the next day. "Right, Mr Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Yitzhak, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
tarar786
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The Lawyer and the Farmer
A big city Mumbai lawyer went duck hunting in rural Bihar. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best lawyers in India and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Bihar. We settle small disagreements like this with The Bihar Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Bihar Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the Local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck"
