A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."
tarar786
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A guy goes to the pharmacy at his wife's request to buy her some tampons. About an hour later he comes home with a bag of cotton balls.
Staring at him in disbelief she asks, "What the HELL...?!?! I asked for TAMPONS, not friggin COTTONBALLS!!"
He says, "Remember when I asked you to pick me up a pack of cigarettes and you came home with a tin of tobacco and told me to roll my own because the cigs were too expensive.....?
tarar786
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One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
tarar786
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A first standard teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first standard. My sister is in the third standard and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third standard too!"
The teacher said enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first standard and behave. The teacher agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third standard kid should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third standard."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide but before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. Johnny replied, "Pockets."
(Now no reactions on Johnny's face. He was so cool!)
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer... Johnny: "Coconut."
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Johnny: "Bubblegum."
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" Johnny: "Shake hands."
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I?' sort of questions. Ok?" Johnny: "Yep."
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Johnny: "Tent."
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. the best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Johnny: "Wedding ring."
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." Johnny: "Nose."
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." Johnny: "Arrow."
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth standard, I missed the last ten questions myself."
tarar786
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Lipstick Prints
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
tarar786
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The pope dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter welcomes him and asks if he's ready to enter heaven for all eternity. The pope replies, "Yes, but before I go in, I would really like to see what hell is like."
St. Peter thinks a moment and then responds, "I suppose it would be okay if you went down there for a half hour or so."
With that, the pope finds himself in hell, where, to his amazement, the inhabitants are having a huge party. They have the best of the best spread out: French champagne, Italian food, and music of all sorts, from Lawrence Welk to Jimi Hendrix. As the pope watches everyone eating, drinking and being merry, he starts to become very hungry and cannot wait to go back to heaven.
When the pope returns, St. Peter asks him, "How was hell?"
The pope replies, "Well, they were having such a big feast, I became famished watching them."
St. Peter then asks if the pope is ready to enter heaven, to which the pope replies, "Oh yes, I'm very excited. If the people in hell are having such a good time, I cannot imagine how great heaven will be!"
With that, St. Peter leads the pope into a small white room with a small white table and white chairs, and instructs the pope to have a seat. The pope looks a little puzzled but abides his host.
After a few minutes, Jesus enters the room carrying a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of milk, and takes a seat.
A moment later, St. Peter enters bearing two peanut butter sandwiches and glasses of milk. He hands a peanut butter sandwich and glass of milk to the pope, and sits down and starts to eat.
As they silently sit eating, the pope becomes more and more agitated, until St. Peter finally asks him why he is not eating.
"Well," the pope responds, "down in hell they are having a big bash, with all the finest food, drink, music and dancing. I imagined heaven would top even that!"
"Why," St. Peter queries, raising his eyebrows, "you don't expect us to do all that for just the three of us, do you?"
tarar786
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God's punishment
Jake, Johnny, and Billy Bob went to the rodeo. Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to death. Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."
That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time at all, Jake stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on.
Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He chained the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.
Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on. Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished. " With that, he chained the woman to Johnny and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away.
Well, Billy Bob was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be together now and forever more," and walked away.
Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?" "I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman, "But I stepped on a duck..."
tarar786
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What's the difference between, "Ooooh," and "Ahhhh?"
About three inches
##########
Q: What do you do with your a****** during wild sex?
A: Leave him home with the kids!!!!!
##########
What's the difference between a golf ball and woman's G-spot?
A man will look 20 minutes for a golf
##########
Q. Why are men smarter during sex?
A. Because they are plugged into a genius
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A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
tarar786
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one night a boy and a girl were going to dinner. they are coming to a red light and keeps going. she says what are you doing? he says its ok my brother does this all the time. so they are approching another red light he runs through it. she said what are you doing are you crazy we might get caught. he said my brother drives like this all the time. so they come to a green light and he STOPS. she said what are you doing now?
tarar786
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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horroron his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
tarar786
Age: 124
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Freezing To Death
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
tarar786
Age: 124
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WHY MEN CAN'T WIN
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious. If you're totally beat after a hard day's work, you don't give a damn about other people's needs. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.
tarar786
Age: 124
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aik dafa aik amiricaan karachi ata hay or rakshy main bethta hay,thori door aik 10 manzila bulding ati hay woh khan sab say pochta hay yeh bulding kitny din may bana khan sab sahab 6 month amircan usa main aik month main. phir agy jakar stat life ki buldig ati hay tu khan sab shoch kar shab 1 month my 1month usa main 2 week main. khan sab tap gaty hain jasy hi habib bank plaza ata hay amirican yeh bulding khan saab,shab jee jaty waqt tu nahi thi.
tarar786
Age: 124
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aik dawut my aik nabina sahab apny nwasy ko ly kr jatay hain k jb khana shru ho jai to kohni mar dyna my khana shru kr don ga ittifaq say bachay ki kohni ghulti sy khana shru hony sy pehly he lug jati hy wo sahab khana shru kr dayty hain bacha ghubra jata hy ky abhe to kisi ny khana shru nhe kia wo aik kohni or mar dyta hy wo or taizi sy khana shru kr dytay hain shaid log jldi jldi kha rhy hain bacha ghubra kr do char kohnian mar dyta hy wo khtay hain bhai loot mar much gai kia
tarar786
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A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?" His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."
So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."
"You do? Tell me."
"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"
tarar786
Age: 124
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A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.
He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.
"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."
"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My back itches, and I can't scratch it!"
tarar786
Age: 124
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Location:
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A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"
tarar786
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. _ We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
tarar786
Age: 124
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Location:
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An Indian lady visiting France goes to a restaurant and looks at the menu. She finds the design on the menu card appealing and decides to knit the design for a sweater. She completes knitting it in a couple of days while still in France. She wears it for a walk, but is surprised when everyone starts laughing at her. She couldn't understand why, so she asks one of them the reason. She is told that the design on her sweater is not a design, but in French that means, 'Fresh milk available here.'
tarar786
Age: 124
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Three men - an American, a Japanese and Banta Singh were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stoped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." Banta felt decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive. He steped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of 'Toilet paper' hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" "I'm getting a Fax," he explains.
Sardaar ne apni pregnant wife ko sms karke pucha--kaisi ho? 
