A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
Fill 'er Up little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts." Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
Later that day when the Evangelist and her husband were over for dinner. The Evangelist began to feel bad. Holding her head she said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at her giving her the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said,
"That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realised that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see whyhis wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
"Help.... the Titanic is going to be drowned...." Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God ... Just then an Italian asks the nearby Sardarjee in the ship. Italian: How far is land, from here? Sardarjee: Two miles. Italian: Only two miles, then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more. The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again. Italian: Just tell me which side; is the land two miles from here? Sardarjee: Downwards
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM: You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You offer the cows milk.
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
The dialogue: George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
What he says: "Let's take your car." What he MEANS: "My car is so full of trash there's no room to sit, smells like old tacos and socks, and is completely out of gas." What he says: "It's a guy thing." What he MEANS: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical. so don't even try." What he says: "It would take too long to explain." What he MEANS: "I have no idea how it works." What he says: "I'm getting more exercise lately." What he MEANS: "The batteries in the remote are dead." What he says: "I don't need to read the instructions." What he MEANS: "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
What he says: "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." What he MEANS: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." What he says: "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." What he MEANS: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." What he says: "That's interesting, dear." What he MEANS: "Huh, are you still talking?" What he says: "We don't need material things to prove our love." What he MEANS: "I forgot our anniversary again." What he says: "It's a really good movie." What he MEANS: "It's got guns, explosions, fast cars, and boobs."
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If ...... he can cash it, ......he can spend it."
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands.
Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
cop was patrolling at night in a well known spot for "parking." He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window. "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugged, "I believe she's knitting a pullover."
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"" I'm 22, sir."
"And her, what's her age?
The young man looks at his watch and said, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands.
Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If ...... he can cash it, ......he can spend it."
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
Death Row in Women's Prison
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''
Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!''
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''
Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!''
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!''
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
1. Cute. 2. Has a car. 3. Likes me.
Age 21: 1. Handsome. 2. Charming and polite. 3. Financially successful. 4. Caring and sympathetic. 5. Witty. 6. Athletic. 7. Stylish dresser. 8. Appreciates finer things in life. 9. Full of thoughtful surprises. 10. An imaginative, romantic lover.
Age 32: 1. Decent looking, preferably with hair. 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs. 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner. 4. Laughs at my jokes. 5. Carries bags of groceries with ease. 6. Owns at least one suit. 7. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal. 8. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries. 9. Wants romance at least once a week. 10. Bathes.
Age 40: 1. Not too ugly, balding is OK. 2. Steady job. 3. Takes me out to dinner occasionally. 4. Nods head when I'm talking. 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes. 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture. 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach. 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids. 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down. 10. Shaves most weekends.
Age 55: 1. Keeps nose and ear hair trimmed. 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public. 3. Has at least a little money saved. 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting. 5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times. 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends. 7. Usually wears matching socks and fairly clean underwear. 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner. 9. Usually remembers names. 10. Shaves occasionally.
Age 65: 1. Doesn't scare small children. 2. Remembers where bathroom is. 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep. 4. Does not snore too loudly. 5. Remembers why he's laughing. 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself. 7. Usually wears some clothes. 8. Remembers where he left his teeth. 10. Remembers who I am.
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
Why did the nun cross the road?
Well, YOU try crossing yourself after being hit by a truck!
cab drivers who have affairs
This cabdriver is having an affair with a married woman. So they're making love in the afternoon while the husband is supposedly at work, when suddenly a car pulls up in the driveway. The woman exclaims, "Oh my god! My husband is home early! You have to get out of here, he's a weightlifter and he'll break every bone in your body!"
Well, the cabdriver is terrified and runs out of the bedroom. A moment later the husband comes bursting into the room, yelling, "All right, I know you've been fooling around, where is he?" As he's running around the house looking for the guy, through the kitchen window he sees a cab driving away. He's so angry he picks up the refrigerator and hurls it out the window at the cab! Unfortunately, he misses, and even more unfortunately, he suffers a triple hernia and dies on the spot.
The next thing he knows he's standing in line, waiting to get into heaven. When he gets to the front of the line, St. Peter asks him how he died, he explains, and he is admitted. "Next, please," says St. Peter. "And how did you die, sir?"
"Well," says the cabbie, "I was hiding in this refrigerator when ..."
the royal outing
Her Majesty, the Queen, and Her Royal Highness, Princess Diana, were out for a drive in the country. Suddenly, upon a quiet road, they were set upon and stopped by a highwayman. He forced them out of the car at gunpoint, and demanded their jewels.
"Give me your tiara, Ma'am," demanded the robber.
"I'm sorry," replied the Queen. "I did not wear my tiara today."
"Well then, give me your ring, your highness!" demanded the robber.
"I'm sorry, but I didn't wear my ring today," replied the Princess.
Frustrated, the robber waved them away, and drove off with the Bentley, getting at least something for his efforts. The Queen, Princess and their chauffeur made it back to Windsor castle, where they related their ordeal to the Queen Mother.
After the Queen Mother received an account of the robbery she turned to Queen Elizabeth and asked, "I thought that you wore your tiara today?"
"But I did. When I saw the robber pull us over, I hid the tiara in my private place."
The Queen Mother turned towards Diana and said, "And you - I thought you wore your ring today?"
"I did, but like Momsie, I hid the ring in my private place."
At this point the chauffeur interjected, "It's a shame, Ma'am, that Princess Margaret wasn't wi' us. We could have saved the Bentley!"
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner... who lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Kumar
Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read :
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now.
Love, Mom. :x _________________ The harder u fall the higher u bounce!
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin". BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs: "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
tarar786
Age: 124
7916 days old here
Total Posts: 2636
Points: 0
Location:
China, China
A woman walks into a chemist and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic. He says, "What do you want with arsenic?" She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman." The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman." So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realise you had a prescription" _________________ 'NEVER frown even if u r sad, u never know who is falling in love with your smile'..
Kisi paagal aashiq ki chahat ho tum kisi dharakte dil ki dhadkan ho tum. do pal naa dekhoo to chain naa aaye,khuda ki banayi kuch aisi qayamat ho tum
