Gram Massala ( Jokes )

A true story from the Japanese Embassy in US:
> >>
> >>Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training
> >>before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton. The
> >>instructor told Mori " Prime Minister, when you shake hand with
President
> >>Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr. Clinton should say "I am
fine,
> >>and you ?" Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we translators will
do
> >>all the work for you."
> >>
> >>It looks quite simple, but the truth is ...When Mori met Clinton, he
> >>mistakenly said "Who Are You ?". Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still
> >>managed to react with humor : "Well, I am Hillary's husband, ha ha..."
> >>Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.."
> >>
> >>Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

Purchasing a new bird
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

Did you understand me?
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.

When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"

The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.

While walk Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.

Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."

"Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.

A police recruit was asked on an exam:

"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

In the blank, he wrote:

"Call for backup."

ehhhmmmmmm

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"


The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was
Brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take
the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"


And so it went with every question the principal thought a third- grade
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
Harry can go to the third-grade.

"The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The
principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide
and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before
he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do"
Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first" (Principal was looking restless and a bit
tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"


Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,
you feel good"
Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"
Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass
in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself

whyn't they give her a degree :) lolz

Ok,let me tell them

sure... :D

One lazy afternoon the phone rang, and I picked it up. It was my buddy Don, who is a racetrack fanatic.

"You won't believe what just happened to me!" he said.

Without a pause, he continued, "I had this crazy dream last night about the number 5. There were 5 horses in a field, and they were prancing around the number five!"

This sounded a little wacky, but he said it so enthusiastically that I thought this could be a good story, so I said, Ok, then what?

He said, "Then, I woke up thinking about horses and the number 5. As I was about to eat breakfast, I picked up my race schedule and found that the fifth race today was to start at 5:05 and the #5 horse in that race was named High Five!"

I was thinking, "What a coincidence," but Don didn't give me a chance to say anything.

"Then", he said, "I counted the money that I happened to have in my wallet. I had exactly 555 dollars: 5 one hundred dollar bills, 5 tens, and 5 ones." Don was getting really excited as he told me this on the phone.

He went on, "So I drove to the track, and parked in the fifth spot in the fifth row. I entered gate #5. I bet my $555 on High Five. I made sure to sit in Section 5, row 5, seat 5...."

By this time I couldn't stand the suspense anymore, so I interupted him, "So Don, did your horse win?"

"No, he came in 5th!"

Little Johnny walks up to his Aunt and says , "my God, Aunt Edna why are you so damn ugly?"

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.and screamed, "how could you say to your aunt is so damn ugly!

"Because she is," said Little Johnny.

His mother said, "You go back in there and apologize to her, right now! I mean it, you tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny goes into the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Edna, I am sorry you're so damn ugly."

A maulvi saheb dies and waits in line at the "Jannat" Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy in casual shalwar kurta. Farishta (angel) addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Rehmat Khan, Mini Bus driver from Karachi."
Farishtaji consults his list, smiles and says to Rehmat Khan, "Enter into the Kingdom."
So Pakistani driver enters Heaven and the maulvi saheb is next in line.
He stands erect. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Maulana Aansari of Jama Masjid in Chuk 55 of Punjab for the last 43 years." Farishtaji consults his list and says, "I am sorry, you are on waiting list. You have to pass some tests before you get entry to the Kingdom of Heaven."
Maulvi Saheb says, "Just a minute. That man was a Mini Bus driver, and you issued him instant entry. But I have to go through more tests. How can this be?"
Farishtaji says,"Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

kahin pehlay parha hua na ho...


George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Bush!" a heavily accented voice said.

"This is Faisal Ali from Banga, District Multan, Pakistan. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring war on you!"


"Well, Faisal," Bush replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Right now," said Faisal, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Khan, my next
door neighbour Bhagoo, and the entire kabadi team from the village. That makes eight"


Bush paused. "I must tell you, Faisal that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my
command."


"BLOODY Hell " said Faisal. "I'll have to ring you back!"


Sure enough, the next day, Faisal called again.


"Mr. Bush, it is Faisal, I'm calling from Banga STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire
some infantry equipment!"


"And what equipment would that be, Faisal?" Bush asked.


"Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amjad's tractor."


Bush sighed. "I must tell you, Faisal, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel
carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."


"Oh teri (oops)....." said Faisal. "I'll have to get back to you."


Sure enough, Faisal rang again the next day. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get
ourselves airborne ...... We've modified Amjads's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking
on some wings and the pind's generator. Four boys from Malpur have joined us as well!"


Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Faisal, that I have
10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided,
surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"


"Tera pala hove ...." said Faisal, "I'll have to ring you back."


Sure enough, Faisal called again the next day. "Kehse?, Mr. Bush!


I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."


"I'm sorry to hear that," said Bush. "Why the sudden change of heart?"


"Well," said Faisal, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of paranthe and decided there's no way
we can feed two million prisoners!."

Sleeping In Church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" ...."I have an idea", said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." .....In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister........Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed."Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" ......Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. .......As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.......The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that dammned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.

heeee hehehe haahaha

heheehehheheee..
gooood one chura uncle uncle.. oupsss tarar uncle..

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long
silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."