We need to talk = I need to complain

-- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

-- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

-- We need = I want

-- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

-- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

-- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

-- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

-- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

-- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period

-- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

-- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

-- I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

-- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

-- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

-- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

-- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

-- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

-- Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

-- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

-- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

-- Yes = No

-- No = No

-- Maybe = No

-- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

-- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

-- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

-- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

-- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

A Women's Guide To Male English

-- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

-- I'm hungry = I'm hungry

-- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

-- I'm tired = I'm tired

-- What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

-- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

-- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

-- I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
_________________
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.

The definition for "Brave" as defined by man!!!
coming home late, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on his
collar, slapping his wife on the ass and saying "You're next

Knock, knock
Who¡¯s there?
Sorry, wrong door.
Okay.

Knock, knock
Who¡¯s there?
Federal Express
Federal Express who?
I don¡¯t know. I just deliver packages.

Knock, knock
Who¡¯s there?
Tom.
Tom who?
Tom Buchanan.
Hi Tom.

Knock knock
Who¡¯s there?
Pizza delivery guy.
Pizza delivery guy who?
You ordered a pizza?
Yes.
I¡¯m the guy delivering it.
Great.

Knock knock
Who¡¯s there?
Susan.
Susan who?
Susan Caldwell.
I¡¯ll be right out, Susan.

Knock, knock
Who¡¯s there.
You might be a redneck if¡­ you think tobacco is a vegetable.
You might be a redneck if¡­ you think tobacco is a vegetable who?
I thought this was a redneck joke.
Nope. It¡¯s a knock, knock joke.
Oops.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

¡°Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?¡±

The man below says: ¡°Yes you¡¯re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.¡±

¡°You must work in Information Technology¡± says the balloonist. ¡°I do¡± replies the man. ¡°How did you know.¡±

¡°Well¡± says the balloonist, ¡°everything you have told me is technically correct, but it¡¯s of no use to anyone.¡±

The man below then says,¡±you must work in business.¡± ¡°I do¡± replies the balloonist, ¡°but how did you know?¡±

¡°Well,¡± says the man, ¡°you don¡¯t know where you are, or where you¡¯re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You¡¯re in the same position you were before we met, but now it¡¯s my fault.¡±
_________________
'NEVER frown even if u r sad, u never know who is falling in love with your smile'..

Kisi paagal aashiq ki chahat ho tum kisi dharakte dil ki dhadkan ho tum. do pal naa dekhoo to chain naa aaye,khuda ki banayi kuch aisi qayamat ho tum.

1 Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2.Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3.Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4.Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5.Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6.Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7.All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8.A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9.All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

10.Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11.Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12.Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13.Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14.Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15.If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16.If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

17.No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18.When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19.When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20.Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21.Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22.If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

23.Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

24.Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

25.Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

26.Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

27.Men forget everything; women remember everything.

28.That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
_________________
'NEVER frown even if u r sad, u never know who is falling in love with your smile'..

Kisi paagal aashiq ki chahat ho tum kisi dharakte dil ki dhadkan ho tum. do pal naa dekhoo to chain naa aaye,khuda ki banayi kuch aisi qayamat ho tum.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge

A woman walks into a chemist and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy
some arsenic.
He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having
sex with another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your
husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."
So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband
having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realise you had a prescription"
_________________
'NEVER frown even if u r sad, u never know who is falling in love with your smile'..

Kisi paagal aashiq ki chahat ho tum kisi dharakte dil ki dhadkan ho tum. do pal naa dekhoo to chain naa aaye,khuda ki banayi kuch aisi qayamat ho tum

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin".
BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs: "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...
who lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the
meal,
his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate
was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,
and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his
roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his
Mother which read :

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the chutney jar by now.

Love,
Mom. :x
_________________
The harder u fall the higher u bounce!

Why did the nun cross the road?

Well, YOU try crossing yourself after being hit by a truck!



cab drivers who have affairs

This cabdriver is having an affair with a married woman. So they're making love in the afternoon while the husband is supposedly at work, when suddenly a car pulls up in the driveway. The woman exclaims, "Oh my god! My husband is home early! You have to get out of here, he's a weightlifter and he'll break every bone in your body!"

Well, the cabdriver is terrified and runs out of the bedroom. A moment later the husband comes bursting into the room, yelling, "All right, I know you've been fooling around, where is he?" As he's running around the house looking for the guy, through the kitchen window he sees a cab driving away. He's so angry he picks up the refrigerator and hurls it out the window at the cab! Unfortunately, he misses, and even more unfortunately, he suffers a triple hernia and dies on the spot.

The next thing he knows he's standing in line, waiting to get into heaven. When he gets to the front of the line, St. Peter asks him how he died, he explains, and he is admitted. "Next, please," says St. Peter. "And how did you die, sir?"

"Well," says the cabbie, "I was hiding in this refrigerator when ..."

   

the royal outing

Her Majesty, the Queen, and Her Royal Highness, Princess Diana, were out for a drive in the country. Suddenly, upon a quiet road, they were set upon and stopped by a highwayman. He forced them out of the car at gunpoint, and demanded their jewels.

"Give me your tiara, Ma'am," demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry," replied the Queen. "I did not wear my tiara today."

"Well then, give me your ring, your highness!" demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't wear my ring today," replied the Princess.

Frustrated, the robber waved them away, and drove off with the Bentley, getting at least something for his efforts. The Queen, Princess and their chauffeur made it back to Windsor castle, where they related their ordeal to the Queen Mother.

After the Queen Mother received an account of the robbery she turned to Queen Elizabeth and asked, "I thought that you wore your tiara today?"

"But I did. When I saw the robber pull us over, I hid the tiara in my private place."

The Queen Mother turned towards Diana and said, "And you - I thought you wore your ring today?"

"I did, but like Momsie, I hid the ring in my private place."

At this point the chauffeur interjected, "It's a shame, Ma'am, that Princess Margaret wasn't wi' us. We could have saved the Bentley!"

1. Cute.
2. Has a car.
3. Likes me.



Age 21:
1. Handsome.
2. Charming and polite.
3. Financially successful.
4. Caring and sympathetic.
5. Witty.
6. Athletic.
7. Stylish dresser.
8. Appreciates finer things in life.
9. Full of thoughtful surprises.
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.



Age 32:
1. Decent looking, preferably with hair.
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs.
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner.
4. Laughs at my jokes.
5. Carries bags of groceries with ease.
6. Owns at least one suit.
7. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal.
8. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries.
9. Wants romance at least once a week.
10. Bathes.



Age 40:
1. Not too ugly, balding is OK.
2. Steady job.
3. Takes me out to dinner occasionally.
4. Nods head when I'm talking.
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes.
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture.
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach.
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down.
10. Shaves most weekends.



Age 55:
1. Keeps nose and ear hair trimmed.
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public.
3. Has at least a little money saved.
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting.
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times.
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends.
7. Usually wears matching socks and fairly clean underwear.
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner.
9. Usually remembers names.
10. Shaves occasionally.



Age 65:
1. Doesn't scare small children.
2. Remembers where bathroom is.
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep.
4. Does not snore too loudly.
5. Remembers why he's laughing.
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself.
7. Usually wears some clothes.
8. Remembers where he left his teeth.
10. Remembers who I am.



Age 75:
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Death Row in Women's Prison

Three women are about to be executed.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the
executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!''



Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!''



Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out.
The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!''

and she yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
Class with a real dead human body.


They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with A
white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is
necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor:

"The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Human
body".

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the an us
Of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but Eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation."

"I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn To
pay attention."


Back to top         &nb sp; 

------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."


And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If ...... he can cash it, ......he can spend it."

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands.

Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

cop was patrolling at night in a well known spot for "parking." He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.
"Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, "And her, what is
she doing?"
The young man shrugged, "I believe she's knitting a pullover."

The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"" I'm 22, sir."

"And her, what's her age?

The young man looks at his watch and said, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

Do not u think Warm ji to stick this topic

shandaaaaaarrrrrr ji shandar

------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands.

Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her

--------------------

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road.

They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."

tarar78638053.6784490741

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."


And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If ...... he can cash it, ......he can spend it."

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
Class with a real dead human body.


They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with A
white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is
necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor:

"The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Human
body".

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the an us
Of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but Eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation."

"I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn To
pay attention."

What he says: "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
What he MEANS: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
What he says: "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
What he MEANS: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
What he says: "That's interesting, dear."
What he MEANS: "Huh, are you still talking?"
What he says: "We don't need material things to prove our love."
What he MEANS: "I forgot our anniversary again."
What he says: "It's a really good movie."
What he MEANS: "It's got guns, explosions, fast cars, and boobs."

What he says: "Let's take your car."
What he MEANS: "My car is so full of trash there's no room to sit, smells like old tacos and socks, and is completely out of gas."
What he says: "It's a guy thing."
What he MEANS: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical. so don't even try."
What he says: "It would take too long to explain."
What he MEANS: "I have no idea how it works."
What he says: "I'm getting more exercise lately."
What he MEANS: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
What he says: "I don't need to read the instructions."
What he MEANS: "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

fine should be tasty